The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

The 2015 Kwahanzaakahmas Calendar

By some quirk of our calendar and mathematics, this year's Kwahanzaakahmas is pretty much identical to 2009's.
Sunday, December 20Twenny
Monday, December 21Yule
Tuesday, December 22Langeaufwiedersehenssagennacht
Wednesday, December 23Festivus
Thursday, December 24Christmas Eve
Friday, December 25Christmas Day
Saturday, December 26Boxing Day
Sunday, December 27Concession Sunday
Monday, December 28The Feast of San Dimas - (Bengals at Broncos 8:30EST)
Tuesday, December 29Ante Penultima Nocta
Wednesday, December 30Hogmanay Eve
Thursday, December 31New Year's Eve

Which team am I rooting for on the Feast of San Dimas? As I will be in Ohio at the time, I'm going with the Bengals. When in Rome... Also they have cooler helmets.

Remember: Be excellent to one another.

Saturday, November 28, 2015


Reading can be a lot of work, and with all the news happening all the time it can be difficult for one to keep up on current affairs. Luckily you have me. Here are a few helpful definitions of words often found in today's headlines1.

Immigrant - Infer this to mean two things. Firstly the person in question is in the country illegally. Secondly, that person has brown skin. A.K.A. Mexican.
Gunman/Shooter - White guy (with a gun which he has just used, obviously. It's safe to assume male) Probably is acting alone, has mental health issues
Thug - Black guy (may or may not have a gun, things happen so quickly and it was dark out)
Terrorist - Brown guy, Muslim
Obama***  - Any word containing the President's name means socialism. You know, probably. No one has actually looked up the definition of socialism lately.
Entitlement - Free shit for poors that don't deserve it. You pay for it directly out of your paycheck.

I can't think of any more right now, but feel free to drop a confusing word in the comments and I'll let you know what it means.

1 - I just made a typo "headlies" (emphasis added). I almost just left it.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Sentimental Fool That I Am

Like autumn leaves in a gale, I send my words out into the future. Forgive me, I'm feeling a little sappy. I'll get over it.

So the other day I set up an email for my daughter. I haven't told her yet, she can't read any way so I doubt she will care much. Now when the mood strikes I can send her an email. Maybe some random thought I wanted to share. Something I know she is too young for now, but I will likely forget. Like I said. I'm feeling a little sappy. But I look around at the world we live in and hope that it isn't actually getting worse, but I am merely more aware. I hope she is as ignorant of how shitty people are to one another as I was (until far later in my life than I care to admit.)

There you have it. I made an email for my daughter so I can send her thoughts and advice as I feel fit. I'll give her the address and password when she's older, so she can read all of the words I've sent to her over the years, and perhaps she can figure out how goddamned much I lover her.  Listen, the world needs a little bit of sappiness from time to time. Besides, maybe I can spin this into a career as a Mommy-blogger, but like a dad. So yeah, a Daddy-blogger.