Disclaimer

The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Twelve Days of Kwahanzaakahmas

Sunday, December 20: Twenny - The first day of Kwahanzaakahmas. Originally known as Twenty Cents Day, it later evolved into Twenny Cent before finally settling at Twenny. In olden times, back in the day, etc... it was customary on Twenty Cents Day to give a gift of Twenty Cents to all the children so they could go out and buy their holiday smokes. Oh those heady 80s. We now realize however, that smoking is bad for children. Many assume that since it occurs on December 20th and that there is a platypus on the Australian 20 cent piece, this is where the day's name derives from. I assure you: it is merely coincidence.

Monday, December 21: Yule - This is the first day of winter. The days begin to lengthen again, but the coldest part of the year is still ahead. Show your family and friends you care about them by giving them a log to burn in their fireplace. It is a widely held belief that this tradition is the inspiration for the Yule Log seen on television every Christmas Day. Sure. Why not? Make the log extra nice by decorating it with effigies of your loved one's enemies. A Yule Log can be anything from an actual log (birch smells nice when burning, but we recommend a hard wood as they burn longer) to a duraflame log to a paper towel roll stuffed with sawdust. Get creative, and show your loved ones how much you really do not want them to freeze to death this holiday season. There are, after all, plenty of more interesting ways to snuff it during winter.

Tuesday, December 22: Langeaufwiedersehenssagennacht - Literally: the night for saying long goodbyes. Probably. Tonight is the night to put the past year behind you. And what better way than binge drinking? If you can't forget on your own, make yourself forget. Celebrated in numerous ways throughout the world, it is customary to read aloud from Raymond Chandler's 1953 Philip Marlowe novel "The Long Goodbye" dressed as your favorite Dick or Dame. Film buffs will try to convince you to watch the eponymous Robert Altman film starring Elliott Gould. Come on. Really? Elliott Gould? If you remember just one thing the next morning, let it be that the book is always better.

Wednesday, December 23: Festivus - Created by the father of sitcom writer Dan O'Keefe (no known relation), this holiday was popularized by "Seinfeld," a television series from the mid 90s about a failed comedian named Kenny Banyan. It was made part of Kwahanzaakahmas because you can't fight popular opinion, and well, there was a hole in the calendar. We aren't trying to reinvent the wheel here.

Thursday, December 24: Christmas Eve - The night before Christmas. No creature dares stir. NONE! Children will generally try to stay up late to protect their families from obese burglars attempting entry via anachronistic exhaust vents.

Friday, December 25: Christmas Day - Presents. 'Nuff said.

Saturday, December 26: Boxing Day - Celebrated in the United Kingdom as a day for thanksgiving and charity, many also use it to re-box and wrap unwanted gifts for redistribution next Christmas. This is best done right away to ensure you don't accidentally give that ugly sweater back to the original giver. Pay it forward.

Sunday, December 27: Concession Sunday - Known in some circles as the Feast of the Immaculate Concession, as well as in years when it doesn't fall on a Sunday, is a celebration of snacks, candy, and processed foods the type of which may be found in glass cases or under heat-lamps across the world! From snocaps to juju bees to soft pretzels, nachos, and hot dogs, Concession Sunday is the feast day for the least health-conscious of us all.

Monday, December 28: The Feast of San Dimas - Because San Dimas High School Football does rule, it is traditional to watch at least one Monday Night Football game during Kwahanzaakahmas. This year, NFL week 16 gives us the Vikings vs. da Bears. On years when New Orleans is playing it is customary to route for them out of respect for the Saints of San Dimas.

Tuesday, December 29: Ante Penultima Nocta - Basically, this is your last chance to fuck up. Odds are you already know what your New Year's resolution will be. Today is your day to say "fuck it," and go on a binge. This is your own personal bacchanalia. It is traditional to consume at least one antipasto platter throughout the day; your Ante Penultima Nocta antipasto, if you will.

Wednesday, December 30: Hogmanay Eve - With a name which sounds remarkably like a drunken Scot saying "hogs a plenty," this is a night for revelry: drinking, dancing, singing and the wearing of kilts (in case you were unclear on the concept of revelry.) Oddly enough, throughout Scotland, December 31 is the Hogmanay Festival which is pretty much celebrated in exactly the same manner for entirely different reasons. Or not.

Thursday, December 31: New Year's Eve - This is the day when people from across the country travel to New York City in order to stand in freezing temperatures for hours to watch a ten second event characterized by the lowering of a crystal ball while all present prove their sobriety by counting backwards from 10. Each year a new Guinness World Record is set for mass public urination (sober).* (citation needed)

It is my hope that this new addition to the Kwahanzaakahmas tradition helps you and your family have the most bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas yet! Be excellent to each other.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Kwahanzaakahmas Guidelines

(I am reposting this from an earlier incarnation of O'Keefe's Briefs. More original material will follow in the weeks ahead. -dok)

Kwahanzaakahmas is the last 12 days of the year. It goes from 12:00 am December 20th throught 11:59 pm December 31st. People generally celebrate longer having parties that begin in the evening on the 19th, and on the 31st that last well into the 1st day of the new year.

The official drink of Kwahanzaakahmas is Spam Nog. It is made with milk, ice, cloves, cinnamon, tequilla and the jelly that is left over in a can of Spam after the meat is removed. NO ONE has ever made this drink. I suggest celebrating in spirit with a Bacon martini. It is the thought that counts, after all.

Which reminds me of the DOZEN DIRECTIVES of Kwahanzaakahmas. One for each day. See how that works?

1) Do No Harm
2) Never Assume
3) Moderation in everything, even moderation
4) Feasting
5) Everybody poops
6) A baker's half-dozen is still only six
7) It's the thought that counts
8) Life is like a box of chocolates, unless you're allergic to chocolate, then it's totally different
9) Friendship
10) Be excellent to each other
11) Presents
12) Bacon

It happens every so often that there is someone who is unwilling to partake of bacon for either personal or religious reasons. Never let it be said that Kwahanzaakahmas is discriminatory. If one does not wish to partake of bacon as stipulated in the 12th of the dozen directives, one needs only to receive an exemption from the Grand Exalted High Piggy.

The Grand Exalted High Piggy of the household is an honorary position held by the single person in your household who has consumed the most pig flesh over the course of the year. As it is only an honorary position, exemptions are generally meted out freely, following the simple logic of 'more for us then.' In the event that there is a tie for the position, BOTH parties can be considered the Grand Exalted High Piggy. If, however, no one in the household consumes pig flesh following the 'no pork on my fork' line of reasoning, then those in that household can petition a close friend or family member who they know to be the Grand Exalted High Piggy of his or her own household for the exemption.

The anthropomorphic personification of Kwahanzaakahmas is Kwame ben Smythe. Kwame ben Smythe is not a person at all but a platypus. He does not wear pants. I encourage all artists and children and child artists to create their own effigies of Kwame ben Smythe.

To wish someone well during the season it is customary to say "Have a bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas.' Also I should add that when one is wished a 'bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas,' one acceptable response (among many I myself have received) is 'Party on dude."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Unscheduled Service Interruption

The Management (Don O'Keefe herein referred to simply as "The Management") would like to apologize for the unscheduled preemption of O'Keefe's Briefs (tm) during the later half of October and into November. The Management would like to assure our readers that it is our purpose to continue to provide the same quality of entertainment hitherto found here at O'Keefe's Briefs (tm). The Management is happy that the New York Yankees are the World Series Champions, and congratulates the team on their dominant victory. The Management at this point would also like to note we are not in the least bit apologetic to fans of other lesser Northeastern ball clubs who shall remain nameless in order to preserve a family-friendly, "also-ran"-free experience. We assure you that it takes a lot more than a large payroll to bring in the big one. The Management digresses. Again, we are sorry for the delay in the presentation of new material and will rectify the situation as soon as possible provided no further holidays (e.g. Thanksgiving) get in the way. Uh-oh.

Monday, October 5, 2009

In Memoriam

The king is dead. The king of pop that is: Michael Jackson. It's hard to believe that it's been over three months since MJ passed. It's time to take a look back on the life, death, and music of one of the greatest pop stars in history, and think about what wisdom we can glean from the tragic fate of this legend. (I considered doing this chronologically, but I'm not that smart. Nor am I inclined to do a web search at the moment.)

One of my earliest memories of Michael, however, is of the Jackson 5 cartoon show. (Yes, I know I reference cartoons a lot, but they apparently had a huge impact on me, so deal.) And from that show specifically, the song "ABC" will always live in my heart (likely because I was just learning the alphabet and how to count at the time.) Luckily, it also gives us as good a starting point as any.

ABC is as easy as 123 (or even do re mi); until you reach 26 (after a few octaves.) Then, it gets complicated.

"Beat It": Bandannas are cool, especially when you use one to bind your wrist to that of someone you are about to knife-fight. Also, knife-fights are a ballet of graceful violence, and are therefore the preferred means of settling any dispute.

"Thriller": The zombie apocalypse is imminent, and it will be funky. More disturbing, it seems that zombies can be organized by any of a number of higher order undead. Time to stock up on garlic and silver bullets. If a ghoul can take a cadre of zombies and organize them into more than suitable back-up dancers, what chance do we stand if the ring leader has more sinister designs than removing the panties of his or her date? On a side note: Does anyone else find it ironic that Zombies are shambling, mindless undeath, but eat brains?

"Billie Jean": When faced with a question of paternity, the dirty slut will always choose the more famous, wealthier of the contestants. Always call Maury first.

"Man in the Mirror": Outward appearances are paramount. If you look pretty, you must necessarily be a good person. So, to make the world a better place, start at home with the person in the mirror, and don't give up until that person is fucking hot. A great new species of humanitarian exists solely for this purpose: the plastic surgeon. Go out to find one to help you today, and remember: get help early and get it often. I thank you in advance for saving the world gorgeous! And this segues nicely into our next lesson.

"Black or White": Beauty is only skin deep. And it doesn't matter what color that skin is. As long as it's white, so go get yourself some bleach and tell everyone you have a genetic "skin disorder." We are trying to save the world here people!

We are the world; we are the children; we used to care 'bout lots of stuff, and started singing. Anyone remember Hands Across America? Whatever happened to that? Can someone please tell me how a bunch of school children holding hands instead of learning math or English or science did not fix world hunger? Seriously, how did that fail? Sorry I digress; it must have been all of that talk about changing the world.

If people love you and you have enough money to throw around, you can make any problem go away. Any. Problem. By means of comparison I offer Roman Polanski who is recently back in the news. People do not love Roman Polanski.

Finally, I leave you with this: drink Coke, it won't blow your shit up.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

On the Disabusal of Youthful Ideals

I long for a simpler time. Oh, those halcyon days of youth! Remember when things were fly or fresh? They went on to get phat, and later became da bomb. By college, shit was dope! Suddenly, things got stupid. Then, they were off the hook, off the chain; now, it’s all just off the wall! (Remember when off the hook meant you got out of trouble?) Who knows what the heck these kids are saying these days?

Time was, you’d take your steady girl out to a movie for $10, $15 if you sprung for popcorn and soda (and you know you did.) Ah, the good old days! After the movie you’d make time and hope she’d wax your jimmy stick, or if you were lucky, bob on your knob. Now-a-days the kids pay $50 to go to the IMAX with their friend-with-benefits hoping she’ll mechanically separate their pork by-products, or whatever the hell they’re calling it!

It’s probably got something to do with that ‘music’ they listen to. (And yes, I did just stop typing to make air quotes.) I remember a time when music was about getting drunk, smokin’ a bone, and trying to hook up with a fly honey. Bands as diverse as House of Pain and Kris Kross urged us to leave the ground joyfully behind and jump (both likely inspired by Van Halen. I mean, isn’t everyone?) Fat black guys and fat Jewish guys encouraged us to bust a move and informed us how, when, and why it’s appropriate to give something (or someone!) the gas face. Heck, The Beastie Boys came along just in time to remind us, in no uncertain terms, that partying was a god-given right, and one worth fighting for at that! Our music was uplifting and informative. It posited a vision for society, a happy, utopian society in which there was booze and booty for all. Now that was a future I could, and still do, believe in, but fear is slipping away from us.

It makes me so mad I can feel my blood pressure rising. Literally. I’m going to have to go take my medication and have a nap. Peace out, Moneygrips!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The End is Nigh (or the Obligatory Meta-Blog)

By way of introduction I figured I’d start with a piece about O’Keefe’s Briefs and blogging in general. First off, thanks for reading. Whatever brought you here, be it intention or accident, I hope you enjoy what you read, and come back for more.

What the hell is a blog anyway? Well, Wikipedia defines a blog as “a type of website, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.” That narrows it down doesn’t it? It sure is a good thing we have Wikipedia for all of our academic needs.

Blogs represent the democratization of the internet. Free exchange of ideas and all that jazz (a concept which on the surface at least, sounds like a good idea.) It begs the question, though, what if most of the ideas being exchanged simply propagate mediocrity, perpetuate ignorance, or are just plain stupid? In researching blogs for ideas about what O’Keefe’s Briefs should be, (and by research I mean clicking the ‘Next Blog’ button at the top of the page for a half an hour at a sitting over the course of several sessions) I discovered that most blogs tend to be about babies, cats or Jesus, or are selling something. These are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and it’s worth noting that most blogs seem to be in Spanish or Portuguese. Of the blogs I could comprehend, most were self-absorbed and masturbatory; forget the fact that the English language appears to be merely a set of loose guidelines people use as they repeatedly whack their keyboards in trancelike fits of self-aggrandizement. However, I hold the pessimistic hope that if I were able to read those foreign-language blogs, they too, would be just as narcissistic ensuring that, at least, the English speaking world doesn’t contain all of the world’s douche-bags. I think it’s fair to say that blogging represents the beginning of the end of the internet, and don’t even get me started on Twitter. I’m not going to participate in something I can’t even conjugate. (tweet, twit, twat?)

“But, Don,” you might be thinking, “if you think blogging is so bad for society, doesn’t O’Keefe’s Briefs make you a hypocrite? Kinda-sorta? Maybe?”

I would answer you thusly: first and foremost, my enormous ego does not even permit the slightest speculation about the possibility of hypocrisy on my part. Second, I am a writer. (Pronounced wry’tah, not forgetting to roll the first ‘r’. Additionally, for added effect, one ought to cock an eyebrow and hold his arm aloft with the hand positioned as if cradling the skull of a Danish court jester.)

So, because I am a writer, blogging is exactly the sort of thing I should be doing; that is: writing. I’m approaching this whole thing as an experiment or exercise. It is not my intention to dash off a few ill-thought-out lines of trashy prose on a bi-monthly basis with the intent of increasing the volume of virtual noise that already exists. Nor do I wish to bore my readers. (Kindly note the optimistic use of the plural.) What kind of topics I will write about is as yet unclear to me. I was recently working on a blog about the Smurfs to be written in a pseudo-scientific voice; however, the idea had to be scrapped after some initial research. Firstly, Smurfette is not a natural born Smurf, but was created by Gargamel. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, the Smurfs were created by a Belgian, not a French Canadian as I’d previously assumed. (Because French Canadians come up with some of the most whack shit: poutine, The Safety Dance, Celine Dionne, etc.) So, there’s one blog you won’t see, but I think hints at what you can expect.

In closing, I just want to say, thanks again for reading and your comments are welcome. Enjoy the show.