The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

On the Disabusal of Youthful Ideals

I long for a simpler time. Oh, those halcyon days of youth! Remember when things were fly or fresh? They went on to get phat, and later became da bomb. By college, shit was dope! Suddenly, things got stupid. Then, they were off the hook, off the chain; now, it’s all just off the wall! (Remember when off the hook meant you got out of trouble?) Who knows what the heck these kids are saying these days?

Time was, you’d take your steady girl out to a movie for $10, $15 if you sprung for popcorn and soda (and you know you did.) Ah, the good old days! After the movie you’d make time and hope she’d wax your jimmy stick, or if you were lucky, bob on your knob. Now-a-days the kids pay $50 to go to the IMAX with their friend-with-benefits hoping she’ll mechanically separate their pork by-products, or whatever the hell they’re calling it!

It’s probably got something to do with that ‘music’ they listen to. (And yes, I did just stop typing to make air quotes.) I remember a time when music was about getting drunk, smokin’ a bone, and trying to hook up with a fly honey. Bands as diverse as House of Pain and Kris Kross urged us to leave the ground joyfully behind and jump (both likely inspired by Van Halen. I mean, isn’t everyone?) Fat black guys and fat Jewish guys encouraged us to bust a move and informed us how, when, and why it’s appropriate to give something (or someone!) the gas face. Heck, The Beastie Boys came along just in time to remind us, in no uncertain terms, that partying was a god-given right, and one worth fighting for at that! Our music was uplifting and informative. It posited a vision for society, a happy, utopian society in which there was booze and booty for all. Now that was a future I could, and still do, believe in, but fear is slipping away from us.

It makes me so mad I can feel my blood pressure rising. Literally. I’m going to have to go take my medication and have a nap. Peace out, Moneygrips!