The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Monday, October 5, 2009

In Memoriam

The king is dead. The king of pop that is: Michael Jackson. It's hard to believe that it's been over three months since MJ passed. It's time to take a look back on the life, death, and music of one of the greatest pop stars in history, and think about what wisdom we can glean from the tragic fate of this legend. (I considered doing this chronologically, but I'm not that smart. Nor am I inclined to do a web search at the moment.)

One of my earliest memories of Michael, however, is of the Jackson 5 cartoon show. (Yes, I know I reference cartoons a lot, but they apparently had a huge impact on me, so deal.) And from that show specifically, the song "ABC" will always live in my heart (likely because I was just learning the alphabet and how to count at the time.) Luckily, it also gives us as good a starting point as any.

ABC is as easy as 123 (or even do re mi); until you reach 26 (after a few octaves.) Then, it gets complicated.

"Beat It": Bandannas are cool, especially when you use one to bind your wrist to that of someone you are about to knife-fight. Also, knife-fights are a ballet of graceful violence, and are therefore the preferred means of settling any dispute.

"Thriller": The zombie apocalypse is imminent, and it will be funky. More disturbing, it seems that zombies can be organized by any of a number of higher order undead. Time to stock up on garlic and silver bullets. If a ghoul can take a cadre of zombies and organize them into more than suitable back-up dancers, what chance do we stand if the ring leader has more sinister designs than removing the panties of his or her date? On a side note: Does anyone else find it ironic that Zombies are shambling, mindless undeath, but eat brains?

"Billie Jean": When faced with a question of paternity, the dirty slut will always choose the more famous, wealthier of the contestants. Always call Maury first.

"Man in the Mirror": Outward appearances are paramount. If you look pretty, you must necessarily be a good person. So, to make the world a better place, start at home with the person in the mirror, and don't give up until that person is fucking hot. A great new species of humanitarian exists solely for this purpose: the plastic surgeon. Go out to find one to help you today, and remember: get help early and get it often. I thank you in advance for saving the world gorgeous! And this segues nicely into our next lesson.

"Black or White": Beauty is only skin deep. And it doesn't matter what color that skin is. As long as it's white, so go get yourself some bleach and tell everyone you have a genetic "skin disorder." We are trying to save the world here people!

We are the world; we are the children; we used to care 'bout lots of stuff, and started singing. Anyone remember Hands Across America? Whatever happened to that? Can someone please tell me how a bunch of school children holding hands instead of learning math or English or science did not fix world hunger? Seriously, how did that fail? Sorry I digress; it must have been all of that talk about changing the world.

If people love you and you have enough money to throw around, you can make any problem go away. Any. Problem. By means of comparison I offer Roman Polanski who is recently back in the news. People do not love Roman Polanski.

Finally, I leave you with this: drink Coke, it won't blow your shit up.