The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Twelve Days of Kwahanzaakahmas

Sunday, December 20: Twenny - The first day of Kwahanzaakahmas. Originally known as Twenty Cents Day, it later evolved into Twenny Cent before finally settling at Twenny. In olden times, back in the day, etc... it was customary on Twenty Cents Day to give a gift of Twenty Cents to all the children so they could go out and buy their holiday smokes. Oh those heady 80s. We now realize however, that smoking is bad for children. Many assume that since it occurs on December 20th and that there is a platypus on the Australian 20 cent piece, this is where the day's name derives from. I assure you: it is merely coincidence.

Monday, December 21: Yule - This is the first day of winter. The days begin to lengthen again, but the coldest part of the year is still ahead. Show your family and friends you care about them by giving them a log to burn in their fireplace. It is a widely held belief that this tradition is the inspiration for the Yule Log seen on television every Christmas Day. Sure. Why not? Make the log extra nice by decorating it with effigies of your loved one's enemies. A Yule Log can be anything from an actual log (birch smells nice when burning, but we recommend a hard wood as they burn longer) to a duraflame log to a paper towel roll stuffed with sawdust. Get creative, and show your loved ones how much you really do not want them to freeze to death this holiday season. There are, after all, plenty of more interesting ways to snuff it during winter.

Tuesday, December 22: Langeaufwiedersehenssagennacht - Literally: the night for saying long goodbyes. Probably. Tonight is the night to put the past year behind you. And what better way than binge drinking? If you can't forget on your own, make yourself forget. Celebrated in numerous ways throughout the world, it is customary to read aloud from Raymond Chandler's 1953 Philip Marlowe novel "The Long Goodbye" dressed as your favorite Dick or Dame. Film buffs will try to convince you to watch the eponymous Robert Altman film starring Elliott Gould. Come on. Really? Elliott Gould? If you remember just one thing the next morning, let it be that the book is always better.

Wednesday, December 23: Festivus - Created by the father of sitcom writer Dan O'Keefe (no known relation), this holiday was popularized by "Seinfeld," a television series from the mid 90s about a failed comedian named Kenny Banyan. It was made part of Kwahanzaakahmas because you can't fight popular opinion, and well, there was a hole in the calendar. We aren't trying to reinvent the wheel here.

Thursday, December 24: Christmas Eve - The night before Christmas. No creature dares stir. NONE! Children will generally try to stay up late to protect their families from obese burglars attempting entry via anachronistic exhaust vents.

Friday, December 25: Christmas Day - Presents. 'Nuff said.

Saturday, December 26: Boxing Day - Celebrated in the United Kingdom as a day for thanksgiving and charity, many also use it to re-box and wrap unwanted gifts for redistribution next Christmas. This is best done right away to ensure you don't accidentally give that ugly sweater back to the original giver. Pay it forward.

Sunday, December 27: Concession Sunday - Known in some circles as the Feast of the Immaculate Concession, as well as in years when it doesn't fall on a Sunday, is a celebration of snacks, candy, and processed foods the type of which may be found in glass cases or under heat-lamps across the world! From snocaps to juju bees to soft pretzels, nachos, and hot dogs, Concession Sunday is the feast day for the least health-conscious of us all.

Monday, December 28: The Feast of San Dimas - Because San Dimas High School Football does rule, it is traditional to watch at least one Monday Night Football game during Kwahanzaakahmas. This year, NFL week 16 gives us the Vikings vs. da Bears. On years when New Orleans is playing it is customary to route for them out of respect for the Saints of San Dimas.

Tuesday, December 29: Ante Penultima Nocta - Basically, this is your last chance to fuck up. Odds are you already know what your New Year's resolution will be. Today is your day to say "fuck it," and go on a binge. This is your own personal bacchanalia. It is traditional to consume at least one antipasto platter throughout the day; your Ante Penultima Nocta antipasto, if you will.

Wednesday, December 30: Hogmanay Eve - With a name which sounds remarkably like a drunken Scot saying "hogs a plenty," this is a night for revelry: drinking, dancing, singing and the wearing of kilts (in case you were unclear on the concept of revelry.) Oddly enough, throughout Scotland, December 31 is the Hogmanay Festival which is pretty much celebrated in exactly the same manner for entirely different reasons. Or not.

Thursday, December 31: New Year's Eve - This is the day when people from across the country travel to New York City in order to stand in freezing temperatures for hours to watch a ten second event characterized by the lowering of a crystal ball while all present prove their sobriety by counting backwards from 10. Each year a new Guinness World Record is set for mass public urination (sober).* (citation needed)

It is my hope that this new addition to the Kwahanzaakahmas tradition helps you and your family have the most bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas yet! Be excellent to each other.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Kwahanzaakahmas Guidelines

(I am reposting this from an earlier incarnation of O'Keefe's Briefs. More original material will follow in the weeks ahead. -dok)

Kwahanzaakahmas is the last 12 days of the year. It goes from 12:00 am December 20th throught 11:59 pm December 31st. People generally celebrate longer having parties that begin in the evening on the 19th, and on the 31st that last well into the 1st day of the new year.

The official drink of Kwahanzaakahmas is Spam Nog. It is made with milk, ice, cloves, cinnamon, tequilla and the jelly that is left over in a can of Spam after the meat is removed. NO ONE has ever made this drink. I suggest celebrating in spirit with a Bacon martini. It is the thought that counts, after all.

Which reminds me of the DOZEN DIRECTIVES of Kwahanzaakahmas. One for each day. See how that works?

1) Do No Harm
2) Never Assume
3) Moderation in everything, even moderation
4) Feasting
5) Everybody poops
6) A baker's half-dozen is still only six
7) It's the thought that counts
8) Life is like a box of chocolates, unless you're allergic to chocolate, then it's totally different
9) Friendship
10) Be excellent to each other
11) Presents
12) Bacon

It happens every so often that there is someone who is unwilling to partake of bacon for either personal or religious reasons. Never let it be said that Kwahanzaakahmas is discriminatory. If one does not wish to partake of bacon as stipulated in the 12th of the dozen directives, one needs only to receive an exemption from the Grand Exalted High Piggy.

The Grand Exalted High Piggy of the household is an honorary position held by the single person in your household who has consumed the most pig flesh over the course of the year. As it is only an honorary position, exemptions are generally meted out freely, following the simple logic of 'more for us then.' In the event that there is a tie for the position, BOTH parties can be considered the Grand Exalted High Piggy. If, however, no one in the household consumes pig flesh following the 'no pork on my fork' line of reasoning, then those in that household can petition a close friend or family member who they know to be the Grand Exalted High Piggy of his or her own household for the exemption.

The anthropomorphic personification of Kwahanzaakahmas is Kwame ben Smythe. Kwame ben Smythe is not a person at all but a platypus. He does not wear pants. I encourage all artists and children and child artists to create their own effigies of Kwame ben Smythe.

To wish someone well during the season it is customary to say "Have a bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas.' Also I should add that when one is wished a 'bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas,' one acceptable response (among many I myself have received) is 'Party on dude."