The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Kwahanzaakahmas Guidelines

(I am reposting this from an earlier incarnation of O'Keefe's Briefs. More original material will follow in the weeks ahead. -dok)

Kwahanzaakahmas is the last 12 days of the year. It goes from 12:00 am December 20th throught 11:59 pm December 31st. People generally celebrate longer having parties that begin in the evening on the 19th, and on the 31st that last well into the 1st day of the new year.

The official drink of Kwahanzaakahmas is Spam Nog. It is made with milk, ice, cloves, cinnamon, tequilla and the jelly that is left over in a can of Spam after the meat is removed. NO ONE has ever made this drink. I suggest celebrating in spirit with a Bacon martini. It is the thought that counts, after all.

Which reminds me of the DOZEN DIRECTIVES of Kwahanzaakahmas. One for each day. See how that works?

1) Do No Harm
2) Never Assume
3) Moderation in everything, even moderation
4) Feasting
5) Everybody poops
6) A baker's half-dozen is still only six
7) It's the thought that counts
8) Life is like a box of chocolates, unless you're allergic to chocolate, then it's totally different
9) Friendship
10) Be excellent to each other
11) Presents
12) Bacon

It happens every so often that there is someone who is unwilling to partake of bacon for either personal or religious reasons. Never let it be said that Kwahanzaakahmas is discriminatory. If one does not wish to partake of bacon as stipulated in the 12th of the dozen directives, one needs only to receive an exemption from the Grand Exalted High Piggy.

The Grand Exalted High Piggy of the household is an honorary position held by the single person in your household who has consumed the most pig flesh over the course of the year. As it is only an honorary position, exemptions are generally meted out freely, following the simple logic of 'more for us then.' In the event that there is a tie for the position, BOTH parties can be considered the Grand Exalted High Piggy. If, however, no one in the household consumes pig flesh following the 'no pork on my fork' line of reasoning, then those in that household can petition a close friend or family member who they know to be the Grand Exalted High Piggy of his or her own household for the exemption.

The anthropomorphic personification of Kwahanzaakahmas is Kwame ben Smythe. Kwame ben Smythe is not a person at all but a platypus. He does not wear pants. I encourage all artists and children and child artists to create their own effigies of Kwame ben Smythe.

To wish someone well during the season it is customary to say "Have a bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas.' Also I should add that when one is wished a 'bitchin' Kwahanzaakahmas,' one acceptable response (among many I myself have received) is 'Party on dude."

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