Seems to me, lately, that there is a lot of talk about 'Greening' your life, living Green, Green Green Green, etc. ad nauseam. Well, since today's Earth Day, I thought I'd weigh in on why you're wrong, they're wrong, the whole damn world is wrong.
What the hell has the Earth ever done for us? Seriously. Here's what: The Earth has created an environment in which a nihilistic, parasitic organism such as man could evolve. If there's anything wrong with the Earth or its "environment" it's the Earth's own damn fault. Clearly the planet is suicidally apathetic. Why else would it allow us to persist? Using mankind as a metaphoric microcosm, I ask you: If you had a potentially fatal tumor wouldn't you at least try to cut it out? At least?
Back in the literal macrocosm, one wonders why it is the onus of the individual to fix the Earth's woes. Listen, science got us into this and only science can get us out. No, that's not strong enough; science must get us out of this. If the Earth can't be buggered to bother with its own well being, some qualified professional ought to. I mean, isn't that what they get paid to do? Really, it's all Charles Darwin's fault when you think about it. If he hadn't invented evolution, we'd still be able to ask god for help, but no, now we're all on our own out here, drifting in 'Outer Space,' at the mercy of a terminally depressed planet. Fantastic. Thanks a lot science.
So, while the scientists spend their time trying to undo the damage caused by one of their own (Darwin), I encourage you all to strike out at the planet. We are too dependent on the planet for our own survival and the Earth knows it. It's trying to kill us, so I say we strike first. Like the Cobra Kai Dojo's motto goes: Strike first, strike hard, no mercy!
So please, print this out, twice. Make photocopies and stuff them under cars' windshields. Buy a sketch book, buy three and doodle your heart out. Buy a book, read half of it, then throw it in the gutter. Keep hard copy redundancies of all of your email, ebooks, and electronic files. Throw your old computers in the regular trash. Do something! Live brown! Act now before it's too late!
The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.