The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Brief and Concise Guide to the Three Primary Uses of Pornography in a Long Term Monogamous Relationship

When the idea to write this first sprang into my head, I was immediately concerned about how I was going to go about writing a blog about porn. Let’s face the facts; it can be a very touchy subject.

As any writer of fine literature dreads, I, too, knew that one day I would be called upon to tackle this topic, and not because I'm some furry-fisted pervert (or not only, at least). I knew it would be a hard assignment, the research necessarily exhaustive and thoroughly exhausting; however, I could not ignore the fact that porn is pervasive in popular culture. One need only look as far as the latest Lady Gaga video, the half-clad harlots of “Jersey Shore,” or the popularity of PBS’s controversial hit show “Sister Wendy’s American Collection.” It was inevitable that some brave crusader would step forward and speak out. He's off this week.

Much like myself, you are probably wondering where I'm going with this; from which angle I intend on penetrating this titillating topic. There are, after all, so many positions I could take.

Before we dive head-first into this wiry, tangled morass, let's assume for the sake of argument that the actors and actresses aren't victims of mental illness, drug addiction, or some manner of physical or psychological abuse. They are just your average work-a-day Joes and Janes who love their jobs, and are great at what they do. I admit that this may be a slightly rosy position to take, so let's do what we always do when faced with something that just doesn't jive with reality: suspend disbelief. Ready? OK.

On three:

Ahhhh. That's better, now. Isn’t it?

Puns aside and reality blissfully suspended, let’s plow on shall we (OK, one more). As you can likely gather from the title, there are primarily three uses of porn in healthy, long-term monogamous relationships.

First, it is important to understand that the human species is hardwired for variety and that the use of porn allows one to exercise his or her wanton desire for numerous partners without having to violate a valued monogamous relationship or the laws of physics. There are three areas of the brain which dictate how we act and react to various stimuli. This next part gets a little technical, but please try to follow along.

The Ego Region of the human brain loves order, and is primarily responsible for society as we know it. Nothing pleases the Ego Region more than to group individuals into large entities for simple and efficient storage. This is where communism, racism, and other hive-mind drives originate. Conformity, order: anything is normal within a small enough control group.

Meanwhile, the Id Region of the brain (a.k.a. "the pants") is the domain of our inner free-loving hippie1. Forget about society! Forget self-control! Live in the moment! These are the varied and exciting mantras of the Id Region.

Finally, there is the Superego Region which acts much as hands operating hot and cold taps. A bit more Ego... oh! oh! oh! Too cold! A bit more Id... ah! ah! ah! Too hot! The moderation of these humours (Egosterone,the Ego hormone, and Idodine, the Id hormone) is the primary and most vital function of the Superego Region. It's only when the Superego Region falls asleep in the bath, so to speak, that we find ourselves in trouble. You see, the Superego Region knows that stable, respectful and honest long-term monogamous relationships are an integral part of society as we understand it2. As you can imagine this greatly pleases the Ego Region; however, the militantly libidinous Id Region refuses to be pacified by 'rules' and 'laws' which some other people made up, seemingly at random a very long time ago, and apparently without consultation or consideration of their own Id Regions. It has mantras for Pete's sake! So the Superego adjusts the taps, and you pop in a DVD or log on to that website (no, not that one, pervert, the other one) and exercise your individuality without harming society by irrevocably harming that cornerstone of society known as a long-term monogamous relationship.

The next use is somewhat related, and acts more as an unexpected benefit. Now, anyone using porn necessarily, eventually feels the need to relieve his or her less societally-oriented urges (as described above), and is, therefore, bound to suffer some physical detriment. All actions have consequences, and it is common knowledge that one who participates is such behavior will go blind. Rather than an immediate effect, this takes a gradual toll on one's eyesight. Allow me to explain how the gradual loss of one's eyesight over time can be a good thing.

Take as given that doing that causes deterioration of one's eyesight over time; that the Id Region will assert its individualistic, free-love ideology as long as you live forcing you to continually attempt to pacify it for the good of society as described above; and that we all become less attractive over time. I propose that this can only be a boon to your long-term monogamous relationship! How? Read on. Imagine a night in the future, decades from now. You and your partner have just finished dinner. Perhaps it's your anniversary, perhaps a birthday, it really doesn't matter what the occasion might be. The sun will be down soon, and the early bird special will be as digested as it's likely to get. You turn down the lights, take off your glasses and clothes, and suddenly, blurry, nearsighted romance is in the air. It can be noted that this effect can be duplicated and is, repeatedly, every weekend through the use of alcohol and dim lighting such as one might find in your local discotheque. The bright side in this case is that you don't wake up the next morning with better eyesight.

The final benefit of porn is strictly anthropological. It is, to date, simply the best method devised for finding new ways to surprise your lover. By their nature, pornographers are creative people. If the mind can conceive it, it's been put to film3. Who wants to make the same movie over and over again anyway? With proper forethought, one can explore a vast terrain of copulatory options. It is important to note here that not all surprises are necessarily good ones, so be judicious in the practical application of your research. To that end, I recommend perusing your lover's collection of pornography in order to avert any potentially disastrous miscues. If your lover does not have a porn collection I recommend that you a) share yours, b) look harder, and c) both.

1 - Little known fact: gray matter smells exactly like patchouli and bongwater.
2 - And we don't understand it very well, except that it is likely better than anarchy. Probably.
3 - See Rule #34. Additionally, by film I mean any of a variety of video recording methods, be it digital or analog.

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