Disclaimer

The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Top Ten Numbers

It would have been easy to just write out 1-10 and call it a day, but I had some time on my hands, so without further ado, I give you:

O'Keefe's Briefs Top Ten Numbers
(Listed in no particular order. Except reverse numerical, and from best to better; if you can call that order.)

10) Zero: I just don't know what to say; I've got nothing - which when you consider it, is exactly the problem with (and beauty of) zero. And let's face it, I'm sucker for that kind of sublimity. Numbers are for counting things, and you can't count nothing. Truth be told, that double negative just confused me a bit, but I am certain that zero is more a representation of an abstract concept than an actual number per se. Oh, well, it's not the last on this list.

9) 6.0221415 × 1023: Avogadro's Number. It has something to do with Chemistry. I'm pretty sure. Also, it sounds like avocado, and who doesn't enjoy a little guacamole every now and then? What? I'm hungry.

8) Ten: Without 10 this list would only go to 9. True story. Another true fact: I considered taking this list to 11, but didn't want to do any Spinal Tap research.

7) 867-5309: Jenny's Phone Number. Call Jenny for a good time. That's what it said on the bathroom stall door, so I thought I'd write it down here for easy reference. Also, now you have that song stuck in your head. You're welcome.

6) 42: The both vexing and perplexing answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything. Is it a coincidence that 42 is double 21, and in blackjack you can double down? I think not.

5) 69: *cue triumphant guitar solo*

4) 666: The so-called number of the beast. It looks pretty cool written out, and you can try to convince me that you didn't just throw horns, but I won't believe you. Mainly I put this on here because it's bound to piss off someone who should be worrying about believing what's actually in their bible rather than some arcane, cabbalistic form of numerology. I enjoy that particular irony.

3) i: The square root of -1. They always say there is no i in team, but they just lack imagination. This is what number would be on my jersey if I had any type of athletic ability or inclination. Besides who are They anyway? Who do They think They are? I dare not speculate further; I know They're watching.

2) Pi: 3.141592653589793238462643383 etc... or 22/7. Either way, it's not exact. That's because pi is an irrational number, but then aren't they all? (And no, I'm not trying to imply that all numbers are feminine, you misogynist!) Also, I like to eat pie, and they sound the same. I said I was hungry. Go get me a cheeseburger. Yes fries. Mayo on the side, please. Tangentially, do they celebrate Pi Day on July 22nd in Europe?

1) One: Eins, Ichiban, Numero Uno, no matter how you say it, it's #1. It's only the loneliest number because it's lonely at the top. Though looking back, I guess this is at the bottom. I wonder if counting down to the top of the list negates the whole process. But then #1 is #1 and what could be more perfect than that?

You see, I don't deliberately try to confuse anyone, or even myself. It just kind of happens, like babies or human pee in the cats' litter box. No one knows how or why. Well, maybe someone who's not too lazy to do a simple internet search, but we all know that isn't me. I much rather prefer to make up unsubstantiated facts. It's way easier. I considered making 10 number ten on the list, thus bookending the list with a certain, if I may wax a bit figurative, onomatopoetic1 truth. The problem was that even by mentioning Spinal Tap, I was forced to bump it up the list a bit.

Well, there you have it, O'Keefe's Brief's top ten numbers, and don't think that this was an easy list to concoct. No, sirree-Bob. There was literally2 an infinite number of potential "Top Ten" candidates to choose from. So, if you have a favorite number that for some reason didn't make this list, post it in the Comments section below, and don't forget to share why (especially if it's your PIN).

_____
1 - Onomatopoeia is when a word sounds like what it means, such as boom, or more precisely BOOM!! Here I mean to invoke that self-referential quality in a figurative manner. Philiosophically: it is what it is, pared down to its essential Platonic um... it-ness? OK. I'm lost again.
2 - On a side note or footnote or whatever, I am just happy that I used the word 'literally' in a non-hyperbolic context. Yay me.