The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Oh! Canada!

I've been thinking a lot about our neighbor to the North lately. Especially now that some recently leaked diplomatic cables suggest a more strained relationship between our two nations than we Southern North Americans may realize.

I suppose, though, the older, more wise, stronger, better looking brother wouldn't notice that sort of tension - being just the tiniest hair self-involved, and of course, assuming himself to be (quite naturally!) a positive, nay beneficent role model. I jest. There really does seem to be some sort of inferiority complex at play here however, so I just want to be among the first to say, "Oh, Canada, I understand you."

I have a feeling that Canada is much like New Jersey or Brussels Sprouts1. We Americans, well North Americans, uh. Ahem. We the people of the United States of America (hey, that's pretty good!) tend to think of Canada as a sort of slow younger brother in need of our protection. This primarily has to do with three things: your inability to pronounce the word 'about'; your over-use of the interjection 'eh'; and your refusal to abandon the mullet as a viable hairstyle. They 80s are gone guys. And if I have to see another one of your god-damned geese it'll be too soon.

That said, while you drive like bats out of hell on our interstates, you guys are just so damned nice! Other items in the "pros" column would be: poutine, the way in which Canadians dominate on the ice2, Vancouver (aka The Couve) is the LA of the North just as Montreal is the Paris of the New World, your side of Niagra Falls - it's all just plain nicer, cleaner, as if Europe and the USA got do-overs. The list goes on and on.

Hell, I bet Canada even smells better, like back bacon mixed with evergreen - fresh and delicious.

I hope one day to visit, or perhaps even emigrate. What with all of this global warming, it's just a matter of time before New York is under water or hot and muggy like Atlanta. I for one am definitely keeping my options open.

Keep a few Labatts cold for me!

1 - All three are victims of bad word of mouth smear campaigns. I'm sure one day I'll write my New Jersey blog, but I just get so angry every time I start it that I can't get my thoughts straight. In short: don't believe everything you see on MTV; New Jerseyans think the cast of Jersey Shore are a bunch of shitbags too. And trust me, properly roasted Brussels Sprouts go fantastically with your steak.

2 - Like the Bob and Doug stereotype, this too may be a pop-culture misconception, though as it's positive, I'll leave it.