The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Kwahanzaakahmas 2011

This Is Your 2011 Kwahanzaakahmas Calendar!

Tuesday, December 20: Twenny

Wednesday, December 21: Yule

Thursday, December 22: Feast of the Immaculate Concession

Friday, December 23: Festivus

Saturday, December 24: Christmas Eve

Sunday, December 25: Christmas Day

Monday, December 26: The Feast of San Dimas
Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints. GO SAINTS!1

Tuesday, December 27: Boxing Day Observed (preempted for the game)

Wednesday, December 28: Langeaufwiedersehenssagennacht

Thursday, December 29: Ante Penultima Nocta

Friday, December 30: Hogmanay Eve

Saturday, December 31: New Year's Eve

Due to a scheduling conflict, Boxing Day has been preempted. This shouldn’t cause too much trouble since you can return or donate unwanted presents on the 27th just as well as on the 26th. Beggars can’t be choosers. Besides, it is the thought that counts, after all. Even if that thought happens to be: “WTF! Who the hell wants this shit?”

I had considered creating a sort of ‘leap’ day to bridge the gap, but then I thought: After all that feasting and all of those presents who wants to do any physical exertion? Besides, leaping? Really?

So there you have it.

“Hey, Don, wait!” you might be thinking, “I’m new to this Kwahanzaakahmas deal; where can I find out more about the meaning of the season and how to celebrate each day?”

Worry not! You will find the answers you seek HERE and then HERE.

Have a bitchin’ Kwahanzaakahmas. Be excellent to each other.

1 - San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Kung Fu Parenting!: Tip #1 Sleep Management

Welcome to the first of a new regular1 feature here at O'Keefe's Briefs:

Kung Fu Parenting!

Here I will present tried and true methods of parenting that you just don't hear about in our Occidental-centric society. Lately, as our culture has begun to globalize and adopt the mystical ways of The EastTM (Buddhism, Yoga, take-out, etc...) new 'ancient' lifestyle philosophies have begun to seep into our consciousness. Allow me please and thank you to introduce the ways of the gung fu2 parent which I have distilled to down to their essential truths, and present with some commentary for the ease of the reader.

Tip #1: Sleep Management

A common problem for the new parent is getting the child to fall asleep. Often it is the case that the child is born without the proper respect for its elders. While unfortunate, this can be easily corrected if you identify the problem early on. The first sign that the disrespectful child exhibits is that of not sleeping. Often the child in question will fight off sleep in spite of its own obvious tiredness.

This is where the parent must be firm. Children are naturally cute as a defense mechanism, and the disrespectful child will use this to its greatest advantage. Here is how to get the child to sleep (often for the whole night through) the Kung Fu Parenting! way.

When it is time for the child to go to sleep, first pick the child up. Hold it under one arm much like a football or sack of rice. Hold the belly of the child tightly against your hip as it may struggle a bit, and we do not want the child to come to accidental harm by falling.

With your free hand, make a fist with the first two fingers extended. Hold the hand out in front of you with the fingers together pointing up. This position is called the Scorpion's Tail. Remember to hold your body in a loose, relaxed posture. Be like the summer stream, calm yet inevitable.

Next strike the child on its crown or "soft spot" with the tips of your extended fingers. The strike should be swift like lightning. It is important to aim approximately one inch beyond your target for maximum effect.

There. Now the child sleeps. Wasn't that easy? Now lay the child in its crib, gently kiss its cheek, and turn off the light. It would not be inappropriate to sing sweetly to it.

Sweet dreams mom and dad.

1 - Well as regular as any other!
2 - I've Westernized the title to Kung Fu Parenting, but thought you should know the ancient and most honored name.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Weekend Forecast

And now for your weekend forecast. Saturday morning is going to start out sober with a slight chance of hangover. Beer seems likely around lunchtime and moving into the early afternoon. The evening will bring a 65% chance of cocktails followed by a nearly 100% chance of wine at dinnertime. Sunday looks pretty much the same with an increased likelihood of cocktails around brunch. Yes, it's going to be another wet weekend, so plan accordingly.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Fable

So, during this unintended hiatus, I've been to Ohio twice to visit with my in-laws. On one of these visits, my father-in-law related the following fable to me. It's got a good message and involves poop, so I figured this would be the ideal place to share it.

The Reluctant Robin

Once upon a time there was a reluctant robin who decided he did not want to migrate any more. It was too much of a bother. So, as the weather began to cool down and all of his friends flew South, he cozied himself up in his nest and prepared for the winter.

It wasn't too long before he realized the error of his rash decision, so the reluctant robin took to the wing. During his flight in the now frigid weather, his wings began to ice up. They grew heavier and heavier until he could no longer stay aloft, and he fell to the ground nearly frozen solid.

He landed, stiff as a board, in a farmyard. A cow, who had not seen what had happened, and likely wouldn't care too much anyway, proceeded to poop right on the reluctant robin.

The warmth of the cowpat defrosted and revitalized the reluctant robin. He was so happy to be alive that he began to sing. This attracted the attention of a nearby barn cat who then proceeded to dig the reluctant robin out of the meadow muffin and eat him.

Thus ended the reluctant robin. However there are three life lessons to learn from his fate. 1) Them who shit on you aren't necessarily your enemies. 2) Them who dig you out ain't necessarily your friends. 3) If you're happy living in shit, keep your mouth shut.

Thanks Bob!

COMING SOON: Your 2011 Kwahanzaakahmas Calendar. I swear.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Year One Ebook Now Available for Kindle

As promised I have finally had the ebook converted to a file format that plays well with the Kindle. Click the image to the right to go to the O'Keefe's Briefs Store to download your free copy today!

In a few weeks1 I hope to have Year Two ready.

1 - Definitely by Kwahanzaakahmas.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Soapbox: Just Another Shitty Day at the Office

Don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting there at your desk at work minding your own business and the urge comes upon you like the wrath of a vengeful god? You know, where you shoot up out of your chair, pinch, and shuffle off as quickly and nonchalantly as possible in the direction of the bathroom. And then that stupid intern has a stupid question for you in the hall, so you just stiff-arm that bitch because you really just don’t have time for that bullshit right now and then you’re feeling pretty good about your chances of making it in time until the Universal Law of Urge Over Distance kicks in, so that the closer you get to the bowl the worse you have to go and then you’re finally in the stall, and you start to let off a little bit of steam to relieve the pressure and hopefully buy a bit of time because in another second or so you’re going to lose this battle, and then you’ll have to go home “sick” and wad a bunch of paper in your drawers until you can make it to GAP or Bloomingdale's or Wherever to buy a new kit, then go to Starbucks and buy a latte you really don’t need just now just so you can use the bathroom to change and destroy the evidence which clogs their toilet anyway so you have light out of that place right quick, but for the moment everything is going fine, and you get your nest all laid out to protect against errant drips and crabs and whatnot, so you finally, in spite of the cold beads of sweat now dotting your face, manage to undo your belt, drop your pants and sit. Then, then the little fucker decides to get all shy on you, so you sit there wondering if you shouldn’t just go back to your desk knowing that one: your co-workers will think that was really too fast and you couldn’t have washed your hands if you did even manage to go; and that two: the second you get back in front of your computer the first corollary of the ULUOD will kick in which states that when you are furthest from a bathroom you will have to go, so you sit there hoping now that you don’t sit there too long so that your co-workers think that you didn’t have to go to the loo at all but are just killing time at work by hiding in a bathroom stall, because who would do that? Don’t you just hate that?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Satanists Are Metaphysical Toddlers

Satanists: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

The thing is, with Satan worship there is an implicit acceptance of the Judeo-Christian mythology1. There's God the creator of all things, and then there's Lucifer -Satan, Beelzebub, Old Nick, Scratch, Celine Dionne, what have you- a lesser being who attempts to rebel, and is smacked down handily. Game over, right? So my question, THE QUESTION is: Why would you take the side of the loser?2 I appreciate a good underdog story and all, but come on! At least an underdog is participating in a contest in which the outcome is still unknown. And when you look at the benefits of choosing that side, you get, what, 60 years or so of the high life and eternity in agony? That's what you choose? Seriously? I'm beginning to question your decision making abilities. What next? Smoking a Cuban cigar at the premium gas pump while you top off your Hummer? Honestly, I've met two-year-olds with more subtle cognitive capabilities.

I could understand if you were just an atheist, rejecting the dominant metaphysical ideology's impact on modern society; or better yet, some chaos-worshiping pagan. That would be better. First off, the being you worship would get a promotion from failed ancillary metaphysical patsy to full on god! Also, your diety could have a totally different name like 3aksdfjhweubUHFhka The Unspeakable Creeping Horror of the Void or Ralph. And instead of using an upside-down cross (or St. Peter's Cross3) you could have a totally new and different icon. Nothing derivative. Like a sword that's got a dragon wrapped around it with bees coming out of its eyes or a cog or like a fire with a skull in it. Something Metal, you get the picture.

So there you have it.

All hail Ralph, Harbinger of the Candied Apocalypse!

1 - I owe a big debt to Sean for many of the ideas expressed in this blog. Since we're twins, though, I'm pretty sure they still count as original. What with the psychic twin link thingy and all.
2 - Huh, I wonder if a lot of Neo-Nazis are Satanists. Food for thought. Or not. Whatever.
3 - This is perhaps the most lame symbol Satanists have ever used. The symbol of the first Pope. You know, Jesus's main homie. At least do a little research jerkwads.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Free E-Book

Have you ever thought, "Hey! I love Don's crazy blog, but I wish I could have it all in one place, portable and weightless at the same time?" Well, who hasn't honestly?

Look to the right, just below the Frodo Lives T-Shirt you've totally been meaning to buy.

Yes, today is your lucky day. There it is: O'Keefe's Briefs Year One*. Click the cover image to download it, and it's yours. It's that easy.

You are very welcome.

*It's an .epub so it won't work on a Kindle. If I have time I'll look into that. Also I'm pretty sure I boned the coding for the cover, but the words are all good. I know it works in Stanza, Adobe Digital Editions, and on a Nook. If you have and use a different device let me know if it's working.

Year Two will be out sometime this fall.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

What I've Been Up To: WHY BRAJJJJJE IFF>

So, it's been a few months since my last post, and I'm sure you're wondering where all my crazy words have been.

I've been directing my energies in a number of new if not exciting directions. I made an embarrassing blog for my daughter here. She'll spend years in therapy for that one!

Also, I've been teaching myself to use GIMP - primarily for fark.com photoshop contests. But hey it's a skill right?

Here are a few of my favorites:

This one I'm proud of because it turned out exactly as I'd imagined.

And this is a photoshop I did for the heck of it, no contest involved. I wanted to jump on the bandwagon for the birth of a new meme.

To see my whole sloppy oeuvre, click here. Be careful, Paris Hilton's crotch is in there somewhere.

Finally, I wrote a pretty fun whargggbl about Marriage Equality (Pro) in a note on Facebook. So there you go. I am however working on a new post, so you've got that to look forward to. In the meantime, pop by Fark.com's photoshop contests and vote for DonWrite. That's me, and yes, I'm whoring for votes, and further, no, I have no shame.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Armageddon This Saturday! Can I Have Your Stuff?

So, apparently, the world will be ending this Saturday instead of in 2012 as the movies promised. People around the country are giving away their worldly possessions and quitting their jobs. My question is: Is this Armageddon, or just the RaptureTM?

It makes a difference. If the world really is ending on Saturday, well, we're all pretty much boned. However, if it's just the RaptureTM, then the 90% of us who will be left behind still have a shot. And if you're a 10%-er, I just want to know if can I have your stuff. I mean, you won't be needing it where you're going. I'm sure heaven has a 96" plasma screen HDTV with premium cable and every gaming console (with games), so if you could just toss that over in my direction I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. You know, waste not, need not. Also a car would be useful. As a new dad, it would make visiting my family much easier than having to take mass transit. Just sayin'.

What really bothers me about this (besides the total disrespect for the Mayan doomsday prophets) is what if the RaptureTM really did happen 1000 years ago? The only people left behind were probably dicks or at least idiots. They certainly wouldn't warn us. Hell even if there were a few left over who could read and write, they would probably deliberately omit the whole "Hey! The RaptureTM just happened"-thing because they didn't get chosen, so "screw everyone else." Am I right? I mean, that's totally what I would do.

Yes, I just called all of our ancestors dicks and idiots. But you have to wonder why the Dark Ages happened. If everyone who was literate 1000 years ago were monks, it stands to reason that these holy men would be among the chosen. Yeah. Let that sink in.

I know, right?

Let's assume, though, that we're not all descended from dicks and idiots. (Use your imagination.) When the RaptureTM occurs this Saturday, let's just make the most of it. I mean, it's not the end of the world; that'll be in 3011. If you're among those going, or at least believe you are, give me your stuff, so I can take better care of my family. That's all I'm asking. I swear I'll give you a receipt, and if you're not in that 10% (there are an awful lot of holy men and women in the world today), I will return your goods to you. I promise.

Honestly, you have nothing to lose except perhaps your holier-than-thou attitude. Which I totally forgive you. I was sure you were in like Flynn!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

In Defense of Whimsy

I own a bow tie. This is not a confession. I wear it occasionally much to the bafflement of my family, friends, and coworkers. When asked why -the only and first question one ought to expect when wearing a bow tie- my stock answer (prepared beforehand and field tested) is: Because there shouldn’t be anything Orville Reddenbacher can do that I can’t. It’s a much simpler reason, if only spiritually true and invented after the fact, than why I own and occasionally wear a bow tie.

For a person often too much in his own head, at times to the point of near-paralyzation, I also tend to indulge in manic fits of whimsy. I do things like buy and wear a bow tie for example for the sheer joy of doing something silly; and when challenged I am as likely to tell an amusing tale by way of explanation as I am merely to smile and shrug. That’s how whimsy works; it’s at once an act of rebellion and an indulgence. And it’s vital not just to my own psychological health, but I believe to everyone’s.

Our childhood ends once we enter school, wherein invention and imagination are systematically drilled out of us one standardized test at a time until, by the time we are graduated, most of us have lost the simple ability to create. And the product of this process is considered to be a healthy, fully functional adult. What kind of life is that person supposed to lead? Wake up, cornflakes, commute, work, dinner, reality TV, bed. Repeat. I yawned halfway through writing that. I can’t even begin to imagine living that way, and when I begin to - hey! we all have off-days - that’s when whimsy kicks in. Read my other blogs, they’re full of whimsy, puns, jokes, and word-plays of every sort. I write to entertain myself; my readers are collateral damage. And my twitter feed (@Donwrite)? It’s one inanity after another.

I often say that a writer has one story he is trying to tell, coming at it again and again from a new angle each time. This can apply to the themes that an author explores through his writing, or even just a specific narrative. If you read any particular author’s work religiously, I think you understand. My through-line is whimsy. Whether by turn of fate or turn of phrase, it’s something that appears in everything I write. Heck, my first novel1 had a character named Destiny who was invented simply to throw a monkey wrench in the works- so to speak.

Thus ends my short meditation on the importance of whimsy. Apparently I couldn’t be bothered to devise a thoughtful conclusion, but hey! It’s nice outside. Go forth and be whimsical.

1 - “The Bookslinger” was never published. It was written a decade ago when lad-lit was making its brief appearance as a viable genre. The story was old before it was told. Oh, well. Contrary to popular belief and common sense, I am still rather proud of it.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Black Menace

Where the hell did all the ninja go?1 Maybe I’m just getting old, or maybe there is something to this pirates v. ninja stuff you read about on the web these days. Could this all out war be responsible for their diminished presence? Somehow I doubt it. Perhaps that’s just what they want you to think. These cunning assassins are probably just marshaling their strength, biding their time, waiting to be forgotten.

This was originally supposed to be a blog about how awesome ninja are, but Robert Hamburger already beat me to the drum-punch with his website Real Ultimate Power. He pretty much says all there is to say on the topic of ninja vis a vis awesomeness. So go there if you don’t already know. Trust me, the knowledge gained is well worth the time. In fact, it may just save your life one day.

Instead, we'll take a nostalgic look back at a more innocent time when we all knew of the ninja and were respectfully if cautiously curious. The 80s saw the pinnacle of ninja popularity in the U.S., and therefore public scrutiny. Ninja were everywhere, which for a supposedly secret society of master assassins is a PR nightmare. It would stand to reason that they would go back underground as soon as possible. And I may just be risking my life by writing this, but perhaps, just perhaps they are the driving force behind their gradual disappearance from the public eye. Time will tell.

The Master, American Ninja, Gymkata. In the 1980s, these guys were everywhere. Even G.I Joe had a ninja on their team. And I ask you: where are all of our ninja TV shows and movies now? Even pirates got a series of disneyfied movies with attending porno parodies2. Perhaps I’m just paranoid, but I remember a time when Lee Van Cleef would make Frank Dux shit himself with awe.

Gone are the days of wandering the flea market, slowly, sneakily leading your parents to the martial arts booth. Then, begging them for a throwing star. I myself once purchased a few practice throwing stars from the Johnson Smith mail order catalogue. But they just weren’t the same, and now, some 20-odd years later, I wonder how much practicing ninja ever did with foam. Probably not much.

These days, all of our collected knowledge about ninja derives from pop culture references to references - two, three, or even, four times removed from fact. The ninja and their terrible lore are fading from our consciousness, and this can only be a concerted effort to drive their shadowy operations back underground. Beware the ninja, now more than ever. You never know when they will str

Ha ha. I make good joke. No such thing as ninja. That just western race radiotype. Ninja never exist. The end. Thank you and good bye.

1 - What did you think I was going to write about? Racist. OK, maybe I should have titled this post “The Black-Clad Menace,” but that was just a bit clunky.
2 - Invoking rule 34 here: Ninja: You Never See Them Coming!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

NeoLog CE2011.02.23

Ludiculous -(adj.) - Ridiculously ludicris! Ludicrisly ridiculous! I love a word that sounds exactly like what it means, and this NeoLog is just plain ludiculous.

And... since it's been a while, here's another:

Firerrhoea - (n.) - If you've had it, you know it. Often occurs the morning after a series of ultimately disasterous dietary decisions. "Another beer? Why don't we just get a pitcher, and hey! How about another order of weapons-grade buffalo wings?"

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Oh, Why Bother?

As some of you may have already noticed, it has recently come to my attention that the year has turned. Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. (For whatever that's worth.)

It's that time of year when the Earth comes as close as it will get to the sun before slowly drifting away again. (I had a girlfriend in college who behaved in an analogous, equally-frustrating manner.) Many take this as a time for introspection, deciding eventually, that they suck and must change their ways.

You won't find me making any of these so-called "resolutions." You see, the concept in itself is a logical fallacy for one who does not so much indulge in solipsism, as revels in it. I am the mad scientist electroshocking my jarred brain1. So it's obvious that if I admit I am flawed, then that necessitates reality being flawed. "But it's reality!" You might interject. And I would gravely say, "Yes." While Douglas Adams posited that the universe is fundamentally flawed2, I think he was just thinking about it all wrong.

A major problem with resolving to change reality is that resolutions are destined to fail. Those things just never work out, but like Sisyphus, society keeps trying to convince you to roll that boulder. Sorry. It takes at least three weeks to form or break a habit, and I can't imagine (which is the basis for reality if you recall) anyone with the willpower required. Pessimistic? Perhaps, but the human animal is averse to discomfort3.

As my father once taught me: Moderation is the key. You see, reality adores equilibrium. It's really science-y, and I don't feel like going into it4; just trust me. Thank you. In the end you will return to your natural body weight having lost all of that money you gave to the gym, you will keep on smoking, you will save nothing more for retirement, and you will still be unable to play the banjo or speak Esperanto. Reality is indeed a tough mistress.

Finally, I'd like to point out (again) that our system of keeping time is arbitrary. There used to be 10 months, now there are 12; it's the year 2011, 5771, or 4708 depending on who you ask; and is it lunch time or supper time? Therefore it's plain to see that the very concept of January 1 is essentially meaningless5.

So, I think (and therefore it is) I have proven that to make what is tantamount to a denial of reality based on an arbitrary categorization of natural cycles would do no less than unmake existence (like saying God's name backwards). You can't just go around altering reality all willy-nilly like, and I, for one, will not be responsible for unmaking reality. I like it here.
1 - No, I am not on drugs at the moment. Why?
2 - HHGTTG BBC series: 6x9=42. OH! Spoiler alert! Hey, better late than never.
3 - Discomfort = fear of change. Fear = the unknown = the bogey man. Therefore Discomfort = the bogey man. Q.E.D. No one likes the bogey man.
4 - One might cite the law of entropy to argue this in that from order comes chaos. One would be wrong. You don't know the true nature of reality! You don't know if Order is the natural state of reality any more than you know if Chaos is the natural state! For all of your fancy book-learning, we could just be in a very long phase of equalizing. Thus giving the appearance of a move toward a so-called primal chaotic state. So there. And also there's Osmosis! Yeah, I'm going to go with Osmosis.
5 - It is interesting to note that 010111 is 23 in decimal, and we all know that was Don Mattingly's number. Is this the year of Don? I'm pretty sure it is.