The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Oh, Why Bother?

As some of you may have already noticed, it has recently come to my attention that the year has turned. Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. (For whatever that's worth.)

It's that time of year when the Earth comes as close as it will get to the sun before slowly drifting away again. (I had a girlfriend in college who behaved in an analogous, equally-frustrating manner.) Many take this as a time for introspection, deciding eventually, that they suck and must change their ways.

You won't find me making any of these so-called "resolutions." You see, the concept in itself is a logical fallacy for one who does not so much indulge in solipsism, as revels in it. I am the mad scientist electroshocking my jarred brain1. So it's obvious that if I admit I am flawed, then that necessitates reality being flawed. "But it's reality!" You might interject. And I would gravely say, "Yes." While Douglas Adams posited that the universe is fundamentally flawed2, I think he was just thinking about it all wrong.

A major problem with resolving to change reality is that resolutions are destined to fail. Those things just never work out, but like Sisyphus, society keeps trying to convince you to roll that boulder. Sorry. It takes at least three weeks to form or break a habit, and I can't imagine (which is the basis for reality if you recall) anyone with the willpower required. Pessimistic? Perhaps, but the human animal is averse to discomfort3.

As my father once taught me: Moderation is the key. You see, reality adores equilibrium. It's really science-y, and I don't feel like going into it4; just trust me. Thank you. In the end you will return to your natural body weight having lost all of that money you gave to the gym, you will keep on smoking, you will save nothing more for retirement, and you will still be unable to play the banjo or speak Esperanto. Reality is indeed a tough mistress.

Finally, I'd like to point out (again) that our system of keeping time is arbitrary. There used to be 10 months, now there are 12; it's the year 2011, 5771, or 4708 depending on who you ask; and is it lunch time or supper time? Therefore it's plain to see that the very concept of January 1 is essentially meaningless5.

So, I think (and therefore it is) I have proven that to make what is tantamount to a denial of reality based on an arbitrary categorization of natural cycles would do no less than unmake existence (like saying God's name backwards). You can't just go around altering reality all willy-nilly like, and I, for one, will not be responsible for unmaking reality. I like it here.
1 - No, I am not on drugs at the moment. Why?
2 - HHGTTG BBC series: 6x9=42. OH! Spoiler alert! Hey, better late than never.
3 - Discomfort = fear of change. Fear = the unknown = the bogey man. Therefore Discomfort = the bogey man. Q.E.D. No one likes the bogey man.
4 - One might cite the law of entropy to argue this in that from order comes chaos. One would be wrong. You don't know the true nature of reality! You don't know if Order is the natural state of reality any more than you know if Chaos is the natural state! For all of your fancy book-learning, we could just be in a very long phase of equalizing. Thus giving the appearance of a move toward a so-called primal chaotic state. So there. And also there's Osmosis! Yeah, I'm going to go with Osmosis.
5 - It is interesting to note that 010111 is 23 in decimal, and we all know that was Don Mattingly's number. Is this the year of Don? I'm pretty sure it is.