The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Armageddon This Saturday! Can I Have Your Stuff?

So, apparently, the world will be ending this Saturday instead of in 2012 as the movies promised. People around the country are giving away their worldly possessions and quitting their jobs. My question is: Is this Armageddon, or just the RaptureTM?

It makes a difference. If the world really is ending on Saturday, well, we're all pretty much boned. However, if it's just the RaptureTM, then the 90% of us who will be left behind still have a shot. And if you're a 10%-er, I just want to know if can I have your stuff. I mean, you won't be needing it where you're going. I'm sure heaven has a 96" plasma screen HDTV with premium cable and every gaming console (with games), so if you could just toss that over in my direction I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. You know, waste not, need not. Also a car would be useful. As a new dad, it would make visiting my family much easier than having to take mass transit. Just sayin'.

What really bothers me about this (besides the total disrespect for the Mayan doomsday prophets) is what if the RaptureTM really did happen 1000 years ago? The only people left behind were probably dicks or at least idiots. They certainly wouldn't warn us. Hell even if there were a few left over who could read and write, they would probably deliberately omit the whole "Hey! The RaptureTM just happened"-thing because they didn't get chosen, so "screw everyone else." Am I right? I mean, that's totally what I would do.

Yes, I just called all of our ancestors dicks and idiots. But you have to wonder why the Dark Ages happened. If everyone who was literate 1000 years ago were monks, it stands to reason that these holy men would be among the chosen. Yeah. Let that sink in.

I know, right?

Let's assume, though, that we're not all descended from dicks and idiots. (Use your imagination.) When the RaptureTM occurs this Saturday, let's just make the most of it. I mean, it's not the end of the world; that'll be in 3011. If you're among those going, or at least believe you are, give me your stuff, so I can take better care of my family. That's all I'm asking. I swear I'll give you a receipt, and if you're not in that 10% (there are an awful lot of holy men and women in the world today), I will return your goods to you. I promise.

Honestly, you have nothing to lose except perhaps your holier-than-thou attitude. Which I totally forgive you. I was sure you were in like Flynn!

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