The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Satanists Are Metaphysical Toddlers

Satanists: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

The thing is, with Satan worship there is an implicit acceptance of the Judeo-Christian mythology1. There's God the creator of all things, and then there's Lucifer -Satan, Beelzebub, Old Nick, Scratch, Celine Dionne, what have you- a lesser being who attempts to rebel, and is smacked down handily. Game over, right? So my question, THE QUESTION is: Why would you take the side of the loser?2 I appreciate a good underdog story and all, but come on! At least an underdog is participating in a contest in which the outcome is still unknown. And when you look at the benefits of choosing that side, you get, what, 60 years or so of the high life and eternity in agony? That's what you choose? Seriously? I'm beginning to question your decision making abilities. What next? Smoking a Cuban cigar at the premium gas pump while you top off your Hummer? Honestly, I've met two-year-olds with more subtle cognitive capabilities.

I could understand if you were just an atheist, rejecting the dominant metaphysical ideology's impact on modern society; or better yet, some chaos-worshiping pagan. That would be better. First off, the being you worship would get a promotion from failed ancillary metaphysical patsy to full on god! Also, your diety could have a totally different name like 3aksdfjhweubUHFhka The Unspeakable Creeping Horror of the Void or Ralph. And instead of using an upside-down cross (or St. Peter's Cross3) you could have a totally new and different icon. Nothing derivative. Like a sword that's got a dragon wrapped around it with bees coming out of its eyes or a cog or like a fire with a skull in it. Something Metal, you get the picture.

So there you have it.

All hail Ralph, Harbinger of the Candied Apocalypse!

1 - I owe a big debt to Sean for many of the ideas expressed in this blog. Since we're twins, though, I'm pretty sure they still count as original. What with the psychic twin link thingy and all.
2 - Huh, I wonder if a lot of Neo-Nazis are Satanists. Food for thought. Or not. Whatever.
3 - This is perhaps the most lame symbol Satanists have ever used. The symbol of the first Pope. You know, Jesus's main homie. At least do a little research jerkwads.