The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Kwahanzaakahmas 2011

This Is Your 2011 Kwahanzaakahmas Calendar!

Tuesday, December 20: Twenny

Wednesday, December 21: Yule

Thursday, December 22: Feast of the Immaculate Concession

Friday, December 23: Festivus

Saturday, December 24: Christmas Eve

Sunday, December 25: Christmas Day

Monday, December 26: The Feast of San Dimas
Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints. GO SAINTS!1

Tuesday, December 27: Boxing Day Observed (preempted for the game)

Wednesday, December 28: Langeaufwiedersehenssagennacht

Thursday, December 29: Ante Penultima Nocta

Friday, December 30: Hogmanay Eve

Saturday, December 31: New Year's Eve

Due to a scheduling conflict, Boxing Day has been preempted. This shouldn’t cause too much trouble since you can return or donate unwanted presents on the 27th just as well as on the 26th. Beggars can’t be choosers. Besides, it is the thought that counts, after all. Even if that thought happens to be: “WTF! Who the hell wants this shit?”

I had considered creating a sort of ‘leap’ day to bridge the gap, but then I thought: After all that feasting and all of those presents who wants to do any physical exertion? Besides, leaping? Really?

So there you have it.

“Hey, Don, wait!” you might be thinking, “I’m new to this Kwahanzaakahmas deal; where can I find out more about the meaning of the season and how to celebrate each day?”

Worry not! You will find the answers you seek HERE and then HERE.

Have a bitchin’ Kwahanzaakahmas. Be excellent to each other.

1 - San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Kung Fu Parenting!: Tip #1 Sleep Management

Welcome to the first of a new regular1 feature here at O'Keefe's Briefs:

Kung Fu Parenting!

Here I will present tried and true methods of parenting that you just don't hear about in our Occidental-centric society. Lately, as our culture has begun to globalize and adopt the mystical ways of The EastTM (Buddhism, Yoga, take-out, etc...) new 'ancient' lifestyle philosophies have begun to seep into our consciousness. Allow me please and thank you to introduce the ways of the gung fu2 parent which I have distilled to down to their essential truths, and present with some commentary for the ease of the reader.

Tip #1: Sleep Management

A common problem for the new parent is getting the child to fall asleep. Often it is the case that the child is born without the proper respect for its elders. While unfortunate, this can be easily corrected if you identify the problem early on. The first sign that the disrespectful child exhibits is that of not sleeping. Often the child in question will fight off sleep in spite of its own obvious tiredness.

This is where the parent must be firm. Children are naturally cute as a defense mechanism, and the disrespectful child will use this to its greatest advantage. Here is how to get the child to sleep (often for the whole night through) the Kung Fu Parenting! way.

When it is time for the child to go to sleep, first pick the child up. Hold it under one arm much like a football or sack of rice. Hold the belly of the child tightly against your hip as it may struggle a bit, and we do not want the child to come to accidental harm by falling.

With your free hand, make a fist with the first two fingers extended. Hold the hand out in front of you with the fingers together pointing up. This position is called the Scorpion's Tail. Remember to hold your body in a loose, relaxed posture. Be like the summer stream, calm yet inevitable.

Next strike the child on its crown or "soft spot" with the tips of your extended fingers. The strike should be swift like lightning. It is important to aim approximately one inch beyond your target for maximum effect.

There. Now the child sleeps. Wasn't that easy? Now lay the child in its crib, gently kiss its cheek, and turn off the light. It would not be inappropriate to sing sweetly to it.

Sweet dreams mom and dad.

1 - Well as regular as any other!
2 - I've Westernized the title to Kung Fu Parenting, but thought you should know the ancient and most honored name.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Weekend Forecast

And now for your weekend forecast. Saturday morning is going to start out sober with a slight chance of hangover. Beer seems likely around lunchtime and moving into the early afternoon. The evening will bring a 65% chance of cocktails followed by a nearly 100% chance of wine at dinnertime. Sunday looks pretty much the same with an increased likelihood of cocktails around brunch. Yes, it's going to be another wet weekend, so plan accordingly.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Fable

So, during this unintended hiatus, I've been to Ohio twice to visit with my in-laws. On one of these visits, my father-in-law related the following fable to me. It's got a good message and involves poop, so I figured this would be the ideal place to share it.

The Reluctant Robin

Once upon a time there was a reluctant robin who decided he did not want to migrate any more. It was too much of a bother. So, as the weather began to cool down and all of his friends flew South, he cozied himself up in his nest and prepared for the winter.

It wasn't too long before he realized the error of his rash decision, so the reluctant robin took to the wing. During his flight in the now frigid weather, his wings began to ice up. They grew heavier and heavier until he could no longer stay aloft, and he fell to the ground nearly frozen solid.

He landed, stiff as a board, in a farmyard. A cow, who had not seen what had happened, and likely wouldn't care too much anyway, proceeded to poop right on the reluctant robin.

The warmth of the cowpat defrosted and revitalized the reluctant robin. He was so happy to be alive that he began to sing. This attracted the attention of a nearby barn cat who then proceeded to dig the reluctant robin out of the meadow muffin and eat him.

Thus ended the reluctant robin. However there are three life lessons to learn from his fate. 1) Them who shit on you aren't necessarily your enemies. 2) Them who dig you out ain't necessarily your friends. 3) If you're happy living in shit, keep your mouth shut.

Thanks Bob!

COMING SOON: Your 2011 Kwahanzaakahmas Calendar. I swear.