The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Kung Fu Parenting!: Tip #1 Sleep Management

Welcome to the first of a new regular1 feature here at O'Keefe's Briefs:

Kung Fu Parenting!

Here I will present tried and true methods of parenting that you just don't hear about in our Occidental-centric society. Lately, as our culture has begun to globalize and adopt the mystical ways of The EastTM (Buddhism, Yoga, take-out, etc...) new 'ancient' lifestyle philosophies have begun to seep into our consciousness. Allow me please and thank you to introduce the ways of the gung fu2 parent which I have distilled to down to their essential truths, and present with some commentary for the ease of the reader.

Tip #1: Sleep Management

A common problem for the new parent is getting the child to fall asleep. Often it is the case that the child is born without the proper respect for its elders. While unfortunate, this can be easily corrected if you identify the problem early on. The first sign that the disrespectful child exhibits is that of not sleeping. Often the child in question will fight off sleep in spite of its own obvious tiredness.

This is where the parent must be firm. Children are naturally cute as a defense mechanism, and the disrespectful child will use this to its greatest advantage. Here is how to get the child to sleep (often for the whole night through) the Kung Fu Parenting! way.

When it is time for the child to go to sleep, first pick the child up. Hold it under one arm much like a football or sack of rice. Hold the belly of the child tightly against your hip as it may struggle a bit, and we do not want the child to come to accidental harm by falling.

With your free hand, make a fist with the first two fingers extended. Hold the hand out in front of you with the fingers together pointing up. This position is called the Scorpion's Tail. Remember to hold your body in a loose, relaxed posture. Be like the summer stream, calm yet inevitable.

Next strike the child on its crown or "soft spot" with the tips of your extended fingers. The strike should be swift like lightning. It is important to aim approximately one inch beyond your target for maximum effect.

There. Now the child sleeps. Wasn't that easy? Now lay the child in its crib, gently kiss its cheek, and turn off the light. It would not be inappropriate to sing sweetly to it.

Sweet dreams mom and dad.

1 - Well as regular as any other!
2 - I've Westernized the title to Kung Fu Parenting, but thought you should know the ancient and most honored name.

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