As I sit here reflecting on the Great New York City Nerd Herding of 2012, I can't help but think about the astounding public health issues involved in such a gathering. I had a sore throat for a week afterwards, and while I'm proud that my body was healthy enough to fight off the Nerd Flu1 (mostly), I really wouldn't have minded a day or two of superfluous snot in exchange for a day off of work2. That is to say, if I'm going to be sick, at least let me be sick enough to stay home. Ultimately, I prefer to be healthy.
To that end, "Free High Five"-sign people: I am not going to argue the point that high fives are awesome. They are. In moderation - as with everything else. However, do you really want to touch hands, however enthusiastically, with people who skip the sink on their way out of the crapper? Every time I see a high five at a con, I can practically see the poop and Nerd Flu spreading. Hand to hand to hand. I'm not even a germaphobe.
While it's laudable that showering was included on New York Comic Con's list of ways to survive Comic Con, they overlooked hand-washing. And further, why the hell does an Events company even need to tell you to shower at all, my fellow nerds? I mean, you're not doing the rest of us a favor by ignoring basic hygiene. Don't be a stereotype.
Which leads me to... "Free Hugs!" No. I don't want to hug you. First, all of the same concerns as the "High Fivers" still apply. Add to that the likelihood that your stench of desperation will come off on me, and no. Just no. I mean, I'm not sure Fabreeze is powerful enough to get that special basement-bred miasma off. Go back home or to your hotel room. Shower. Do something to make yourself feel less needy3, then come back and enjoy the con. Seriously. Standing in a passage for four hours shouting "Free Hugs!" is sad. You may want to reconsider some of your life choices.
And speaking of choices... complaining about the food at the Javits Center is like complaining about the lack of beverages in a bar bathroom stall. You are in New York City for the love of all that is pure and good in Odin's beard! You can't spit without hitting a decent restaurant. Go outside, get something delicious to eat, and go back in.
This is not to say I don't thoroughly enjoy Comic Con and all of the wonders it has to offer, but come on people! It can be better; we can be better. It just takes a little hygiene and self-esteem.
1 - That the term "Nerd Flu" even exists is telling in and of itself.
2 - Hey! I have comics that need to be read, and that video game isn't going to play itself.
3 - Jerk off. Call your mom. Both. At the same time, if that's your thing. Eat a whole cake by yourself. WHATEVER IT TAKES.
The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.