This Is Your 2012 Kwahanzaakahmas Calendar!
(Special Ragnarokalypse Edition!)
“What is the [expletive deleted] deal with [expletive deleted] Kwahanzaakahmas anyway?" you may be muttering menacingly under your breath in a public restroom stall.
How about you try clicking HERE and then HERE? Now, don't say I never gave you nothing!
Thursday, December 20: Twenny
Friday, December 21: Langeaufwiedersehenssagennacht
Saturday, December 22: Feast of the San Dimas
(Atlanta @ Detroit 8:30pm ET)
Sunday, December 23: Festivus
Monday, December 24: Christmas Eve
Tuesday, December 25: Christmas Day
Wednesday, December 26: Boxing Day
Thursday, December 27: Yule Observed*
Friday, December 28: Feast of the Immaculate Concession
Saturday, December 29: Ante Penultima Nocta
Sunday, December 30: Hogmanay Eve
Monday, December 31: New Year's Eve
*The management decided to post-pone Yule this year in anticipation of the Chocolate Apocalypse1. If the Mayans are to be believed (and I see no reason why they shouldn't be), the world is scheduled to end on Friday the 21st; and if they're wrong, well, I would be shocked because they were a very advanced culture that had regular contact with aliens. Either way I promise this substitution will never happen again. Besides, what better or more apt way to celebrate the end of the world than with Langeaufwiedersehenssagennacht? Synchronicity, man. Synchronicity. And we all know that makes the whole scenario like five times2 more likely.
Have a bitchin’ Kwahanzaakahmas. Be excellent to each other.
1 - Archaeologists recently decoded an ancient prophetic cypher inscribed on the interior walls of a hidden vault buried deep under a Mayan temple dedicated to their god of cacao: Xa'aquotaquotl. Long story short: The prophesy states that his most magnificent and holy beans were his gift to his loyal worshipers alone, and it warns that should another people come to his lands and steal the secret to the cultivation of his divine bean, it would herald that the last age of men upon the earth had already begun. So, now that age is coming to an end. Thanks a lot, Hernan Cortes!
2 - Interesting math fact: any number multiplied by 0 is still 0.