On December 28th, 2012, my mother, wife, daughter and I drove back from Ohio to New York after a holiday visit with my in-laws. Our route took us along US Route 80 through the entirety of Pennsylvania. What follows is a chronological collection of the tweets I made along the way1. My phone died just as we approached the Delaware Water Gap. We crossed over in to Pennsylvania at around 10:30 in the morning. Everything that follows is true. Warning: some of the material is intense, and may not be suitable for some readers. Enjoy.
Just hit Pennsy. Farewell Ohio! Considering live tweeting the drive across 80. However, it's Pennsylvania, expectations are low.
11 miles in and I got nothing. Much like PA! #badumdum
PA mile 24- I saw a farm! I think there were cows.
Coming up on mile 36. I bet there's something cool just around this hill...
Nope, just another farm. No animals even. WAIT MORE COWS!!!
So apparently The Hardwood Mall is a place. Guess what they sell. Oh, go on;
Just saw a sign for a tree farm. I wonder if they have a water farm in Lake Erie too.
Mile 63 - more cows. I suspect they are the same ones I saw at mile 36. 80 east may just be a big loop. I'll keep you posted.
I'm not sure McDonalds counts as sign of civilization. Exit for Punxatawny
though... alas! Had I time for assassination, Phil would get it.
No rodent should have that much influence over the weather.
I'm afraid my battery won't last the trip which is a shame because I think many
insomniacs could benefit from this live tweet trip.
Mile 100! If my phone does die, just re-read my tweets through PA two more times,
and that should be a pretty close representation.
Lady in minivan, talking on phone, kids not buckled in. Keep an eye on the news we
have a lead story in the making: Holiday Tragedy @ 11.
Think I used all my good jokes in the first half of the trip. If this drive gets any more boring (continued)
(Cont'd) I may have to pull off in Bird-In-Hand-Intercourse... if you know what I mean.
Buckhorn family restaurant. Halfway though PA. Their menus are very nice.
Ooooh The Pennsylvania Wilds. This should be exciting! I hope it's like the safari at Great Adventure!
No such luck. Dammitsomuch Pennsylvania! First Santorum, and now this?!?
Seems "wilds" is Pennsylvania Dutch for one of two things: 1) you should've
pissed when you had the chance, or (cont'd)
2) if you breakdown, you're fucked.
Crossing susquahana river. AGAIN! Seriously PA WTF? I'm starting to lose my shit. Are we ever going to get to NJ?
Also those nuclear cooling towers to the north are giving off a lot of steam. I
don't want to worry anyone, but RUNFORYOURLIVES!
Trees cows susquahana trees cows susquahana all work and no play makes SUSQUAHANA
Susquahana susquahana SUSQUAHANA SUSSSSQUAAAAHHHAAAAANNNAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These two 'tweets-that-never-were' were intended to be the last tweets of the trip.
Crossing the Delaware Water Gap. Now I know what George Washington felt like.
SUCK MY HOT MUSKET BALLS YOU HESSIAN PIG-DOG BASTARDS!!!!!!!
So there you have it. One man's harrowing journey across the state of Pennsylvania. Please if you can avoid it, don't make the same mistake I did. Let this be a cautionary tale; if you must cross PA, fly.
1 - I edited out a few retweets and one that just did not further this narrative. They happened early on in the trip, when I was still unsure I'd actually tweet the whole way.
The views and opinions expressed in O'Keefe's Briefs(tm) are not necessarily those of The Management. In fact, they are very likely not even the views and opinions of the writer, the typeface designer, god or the President of the United States. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who shares the extraordinary worldview expressed below, and should you, run. Far and fast. The Management would also like to point out that any references or similarities to any persons living, dead, or undead are entirely coincidental since we all know there are no such things as zombies anyhow.